Attachment Theory in the Therapy Room: Why Therapists Lose Connection With Themselves

Many therapists carry an unconscious fear of not being good enough. It rarely announces itself directly, but it shapes far more of the work than we tend to admit. So where does that fear actually come from?

When Looking Outwards Becomes Safer Than Looking Within

In my experience, the internal anxiety rarely begins in psychology training, although it can certainly be exacerbated there. It begins much earlier, at a time and in a way we hardly remember. Long before we become therapists, many of us become experts at reading other people. Why? Because we are emotionally sensitive. We notice subtle changes in facial expressions. We sense shifts in mood. We feel distress and anxiety during conflict, seen and unseen. We become highly attuned to the emotional needs of those around us.

On the surface, these qualities appear to make excellent therapists. And they certainly can.

But there is another side to this story. Often, these abilities were not developed simply because we were naturally empathic. They developed because, at some point in our early lives, paying close attention to other people's emotional states helped us feel safer, more accepted, or more connected. Or at least, we wanted those outcomes.

Without realizing it, our attachment system learned an important lesson:

"Pay attention to everyone else before you pay attention to yourself."

Years later, many of these same children become psychologists. To me, that is such a consistent and interesting pattern that I have noticed in so many psychologists I have worked with over the decades. We arrive at university with an extraordinary capacity to understand others. Or maybe, like me, we just arrive; not really knowing why. Then psychology training inadvertently buries those feelings and sensitivities even further in the pursuit of left brain domination and control. We learn to assess others, to formulate, to diagnose and conceptualize, all without much feeling and relational awareness.

The Hidden Cost of Losing Connection With Yourself

During your training very little time is spent asking one equally important question:

What is happening inside the therapist? What feelings inside you are getting evoked as you sit with and try and help others change? Some clients are easy, some difficult, and most somewhere in between.

This, I believe, is one of the greatest omissions in mainstream psychology training. Because while we become increasingly skilled at understanding our clients, we can slowly lose connection with ourselves. Our own feelings become background noise, that we are actively trained to ignore. Our bodily responses are ignored. Our anxiety is pushed aside.

Our countertransference becomes something to manage rather than something to understand.

Over time, we become experts at monitoring everyone else's emotional world while becoming strangers to our own.

This is where attachment theory becomes incredibly important, not only for understanding our clients, but for understanding ourselves.

If my attachment history taught me that I needed to perform, achieve, rescue, or remain emotionally self-managed in order to maintain connection, those patterns don't simply disappear when I become a therapist. They quietly walk into every therapy room with me, and over time become louder.

They influence the questions I ask and inform the silences I struggle to tolerate. They compel me to feel like I must rescue clients, and when I can't, I begin doubting myself and my competence.

I then place pressure on myself to "get therapy right."

One of the biggest ironies and sad facts that I have witnessed is that many therapists who appear calm and competent externally are internally working incredibly hard. Not just to help the client, of which they are good at, but more so to manage their own attachment anxieties.

Knowing Yourself: The Foundation of Therapeutic Presence

This is why I believe one of the most important responsibilities we have as therapists is not simply to understand attachment theory. It is to understand our own attachment story.

The ancient Greeks encouraged us to "Know thyself." If we were wise, we would learn from them as they already understood the importance of this truth. Today in a world that offers so much stimulation and distraction, this is more relevant than ever.

The more we understand our own attachment adaptations, the less unconsciously they shape our therapeutic relationships. The less we need to defend ourselves and the less we need to perform. We can learn how to tolerate not knowing, expose our needs and vulnerabilities and grow alongside our clients. To that end, the more emotionally available we become, the more our capacity and competency in the room develops.

Real confidence in therapy does not come from having all the answers. Because we never can.

It comes from having the courage to continually turn towards ourselves with the same curiosity, compassion and openness that we offer our clients.

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer another human being is not simply understanding their story...

...but having done enough of our own work that we can truly remain present while they discover theirs.

Deep Mind Reflection

As you think about your own therapeutic work this week, perhaps ask yourself:

"When did I first learn to pay more attention to other people's emotional needs than my own?"

You may discover that understanding your clients begins with understanding yourself. If you are curious about how your own attachment style gets triggered in the room, take this quiz:

https://deepmindpt.com/attachment-quiz

If this is the kind of work you want to go deeper on in a structured way, that's exactly what the attachment theory training covers.

Written by Tania Kalkidis, Deep Mind Psychodynamic Training